A special tribute to the upcoming Purim Holiday.

Here are a few wine related jokes we thought you’d like:

A drunk comes into a bar and says: “Bartender, drinks on me for everyone here, including you!”

The bartender does as told and gives the drunk the bill.

The drunk refuses to pay and the bartender kicks him out.

The next day the same guy appears again at the bar and says: “Bartender, drinks on me for everyone here, including you!”

The bartender doesn’t think that the guy could be so stupid to use the same trick twice, so he goes ahead and gives everyone and himself drinks and then gives the guy the bill.

Again, the guy refuses to pay, the bartender really gets mad, he punches him allover and kicks him out.

The next day, the same drunk enters the same bar and says: “Bartender, drinks on me for everyone here!”

The surprised bartender asks: “What, no drink for me this time?” and the drunk answers:

“No! You become too violent when you drink.”

The Science of Drinking

A flock of buffalo moves at the maximum speed of its slowest member.

While hunting, it would be the slowest and weakest buffalo to be killed first.

This fact benefits the whole herd for this generally eliminates the weak elements thus improving the health and speed of the remaining members of the herd.

The human brain functions likewise:

The brain functions according to the pace of its slowest cells.

Naturally, alcohol first attacks weak cells.

So, consistent consumption of alcohol eliminates weak brain cells and therefore makes the brain quicker and more effective.

Q: What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A: A drunk doesn’t have to go to AA meetings.

A man is sitting at the bar and drinks until he is drunk.

He falls off the chair, crawls out of the bar and somehow manages to reach out his hand for a taxi.

He crawls into the cab and arrives home.

He falls out of the cab, crawls all the way to the front door, opens it, crawls up
the stairs into his bed and falls asleep.

When he finally wakes up his wife says to him: “Let me guess, you got drunk at the bar again, didn’t you?”

“How did you know?”

“The bartender just called, you forgot your wheelchair again!”

A Jew, Christian and Muslim are on the plane and during the meal the stewardess offered them wine.

The Jew: “No thanks, I only drink wine for Kiddush”.

The Christian: “No thanks, I only drink wine at mass”.

The Muslim: “No thanks, I have to fly soon”.

A man and a woman were involved in a car accident.

Both cars were completely ruined but surprisingly none of them got hurt!

When they managed to crawl out of their respective ruined cars, the woman said:

“You are a man, this is interesting … and I am a woman … look at our cars!

This is unbelievable! They are really wrecked and we got out without a scratch.

It must be a sign “from above” that we should remain friends and live together in peace and harmony until the end of our lives!”

The man felt a little embarrassed and said: “This is really a sign “from above”, I completely agree!”

The woman says: “Look! Here ’s another miracle!

My car is completely ruined, but the bottle of wine I was traveling with wasn’t touched. It must be another sign from above.

Somebody wants us to celebrate our good fortune!”

She hands over the wine to the man, he knodds his head, opens the bottle, drinks half of it and gives it back.

The woman takes the bottle, closes it quickly, and returns it to the man.

The man asks: “You’re not going to drink?”

The woman responds: “No, I think I’ll just wait for the police!”

Joe and Tom, two drunks are sitting at a bar.

Joe asks Tom: “Say, what does your wife tell you every time you come back late?”

Tom replies: “I’m not married!”

Joe asks: “So what the hell are you doing here every day?”

A man is sitting at the bar and drinks 15 glasses of vodka.

The bar tender says: “Go home, this isn’t good for you.”

The drunk: “If you had what I’ve got, you would also be drinking.”

The bar tender: “What have you got?”

The drunk: “25 cents in my pocket …”

From a drunken diary:

The morning after the celebration, my hands are really trembling.

I tried to take my pajamas off - I tore the buttons.

I tried to lift my bag - the handle came off.

I’m afraid to go to the bathroom …

A psychologist trys to show his alcoholic patient the terrible consequences of alcohol.

He demonstrates with two glasses, one filled with water and the other with alcohol.

When he put a worm in the glass of water it began to swim, but when he put it in the alcohol it died.

The shrink then asks: “What do you learn from this?”

His patient answered: “I learn from this that there are no worms in my body …”

Alcoholic: “My hands are trembling all the time!”

The doctor: “Do you drink a lot?”

Alcoholic: “No, most of it spills …”

A drunk was accused of rape.

The police decided to organize a line-up.

They brought the girl to the lineup.

Suddenly the drunk screamed: “She’s the one … She’s the one …”

10 indications you are drunk:

1. You lose a debate to inanimate objects.

2. You need to hold onto the grass in order not to fall from the ground.

3. Work interferes with your drinking.

4. The doctor finds remnants of blood in your alcohol.

5. The toilet seat keeps hitting your head.

6. You believe alcohol is the fifth food group.

7. You can focus better with one eye shut.

8. The parking lot appears to have relocated while you were at the bar.

9. Mosquitoes get drunk from biting you.

10. Everyone at the bar says “Hi” when you enter.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS